This rough pass through the desert scene was first drafted in the summer of 2012. Usual rough draft style consists of a form of "automatic writing" that may extend about 20-40 min. During the next stage, basic typos and grammar are corrected while several details are flushed out more. Eventually a rough draft is formed (usually too literal or heavy-handed). The most important aspect of generating larger scenes is structure. Once a structure of a scene is known, it is easier to determine how or "if" it will work with the initial interface we had in mind for the chapter. An example of this is the POV "eye open/eye close" interface we had for chapter 1. The original script called for an introduction that occasionally had flashbacks where imagery entered the internal world of text. Programming on the interface would not easily allow for the same interface transition between video of an external world and video of an internal world. It is easier to transition between planes of text and planes of video. Therefore, the part of the script calling for video flashback internally may have to move to other spaces of the project where a transition from a thought in plain text could naturally occur. Edits to writing and project mapping like this occasionally interrupt how the narrative has been previously mapped out. In this case, getting rid of this internal world visual flashback would fail to act as a device that foreshadows future chapters and establishes the visual potential of the internal world from the get go. I am concerned that the reader will not have this early clue in the first chapter to ground the character's memories that play such a strong role throughout the novel.
The draft below takes place in James' mind. Months after this draft I have commented on it in red below. It is the idealized type of interaction he wishes he could have with Luke. The atmosphere is a conflated space between past and present. Luke, like the landscape (hills of Southcall + Zakho Iraqui) is both a past/present version of himself as James has remembered or experienced him. This is why we have elected to film this scene in 3rd person. To show James imagining his own role in the fantasy of their interaction. Now that the characters have legitimately evolved from this early version, it will be interesting to see the comparison between the final script and this one. Several notes exist where I address Danny or keep formal records to help myself remember and process the material.
[It begins with the transition from water to sand after the bridge scene. We've talked about this a bit, but haven't settled on specifics. The following is what remains from my brainstorming. The general tone can be one of peace, yet vertigo. The transition feels better if it is more seamless, less harsh. The key is to come to a desert space that feels, barren, solitary, meditative. A mind-scape, almost empty, a little dazzling, a little melancholy. It is possible that (in accordance with the watery environment he has just come from) that the whole atmosphere may have a slight dragging/slow underwater “feel” to it
Some suggestions from old notes include: 1. awakening on side/horizon tilted sense of vertigo. Have perspective focus wobble and focus on righting itself. 2 Still need a good transition from water to sand. Might use fishbowl technique to film sand (like clouds of dye?) being poured slowly into water? 3. This could be blended right after the major bubbling in the video? 4. perhaps the sand could absorb the water and let it dry out?]
The transition referenced is where the tone shifts from chapter 3 Bridge chapter where James suddenly hallucinates Jesse in the real/mundane world and he envisions dropping from the space of the real "the bridge" to crossing over to memory space through water. I usually write easiest imagining visuals or symbols. The majority of the time my initial vision is not how it turns out. Especially after Danny has a pass and we go back and forth over different drafts, but it is a helpful place to start here. The "underwater" tone I described early on was largely ruled out due to the decision of limiting video effects/compositing. This decision was partially time and partially concept. It was decided that the "surrealism would be in tone/approximation of the real, filmed straight but a little-off" rather than made in post production with video effects. I definitely didn't have to imagine transitions, but having a temporary place holder for an action or transition helps me visualize a complete scene and live in it without blindspots.
[At first, James awakens to the sensations of his body. His consciousness gradually comes to the forefront and quickly accepts his location as natural. He doesn't question his right to be there and becomes absorbed in the place. He is walking through a desert like landscape that is a conflation between N. Iraqi and Southern California (both kinda close actually in some of the northern hill regions). There is a sense of emptiness. Some low-lying scrub surrounds him. Apart from the general wasteland, the periphery and horizon occasional oil fires burn as he walks on. They are spaced in a way to render the landscape somewhat magical-real. Perhaps, the fires have the illusion of burning backwards. Or parallel in some way the aesthetic of the fire that the book emerges from at the end.]
[some pics of region, though typically more arid? brown?
http://www.flickriver.com/photos/defensorfortis/sets/72157608768880443/.
Danny has some earlier material from a short with these spurts of fire burning backwards which were so beautiful. The terrible and yet beautiful photography of the actual kuwait oil fires is also astounding. This was cut for the same reason of minimizing effects that I mentioned above. I was hoping it would lend some associative or iconic imagery to set the scene without us having to spell it out.
[Rough initial thought brainstorm before encountering Luke]
T: Initial thoughts for 4-10 seconds are jumbled/passive some musings on his physical awareness.
this was once a POV chapter with James responding in text on the internal world to his dialog with Luke. I still like that. I hope it gets carried over somewhere else in the novel, right now all POV chapters that have dialog have either been cut or fragmented. T are place holders for potential thoughts
[once he is fully present in the place, his thoughts become the reality of his routine at camp 1 in Zakho.
T: Sudden jump to the smell of the air. It getting into the fabric of his clothes, how he can’t differentiate between sweat and the smell of the place. It smells metallic, then like skin burning [flashback in thoughts] The smell seems to shift to one of chicken/burning flesh. Increased coughing.
T: Thinks to how he found a canister and thought it was a mine, but it turned out to be a russian gas mask. Thinks about masks, thinks about how “the mask” is one of the things he must carry. Thinks about trying to finally give it up.
yup. From the time when we had James (protagonist) inadvertently kill Jesse (unrequited love/mom figure/squad mate) in the bombing by steeling her mask from her body instead of helping her escape. Several reasons why this doesn't work (mostly because his motives-besides panic-were unclear). Also, too melodramatic and steampunk cheesy. Though I did a lot of research on the importance and prevalence of how time in service really revolved around chemical weapon paranoia and the importance of MOPP suits. Realistic and historically accurate. Though in the 9seconds you have to put on equipment, you probably don't have time to spend wallowing in moral dilemma over stealing equipment from a dying teammate.
T: Realizes that he doesn't know how long he's been walking. His sense of time is shot. Begins to be more anxious about sighting DZ [drop zone] camp.
T: some mundane thoughts about the tasks he was assigned at hand. You know that he is meeting someone at a DZ to pick up supply drops and building supplies.
T:His mind wanders to free time, tetris scores with a gameboy sent from home.
[A thought prompts james to stop and get some water. He squats and sets his pack down to rummage through. He begins to pull out a bit of cloth (it is an edge of the mask that will be seen later).
mask shows up here to structurally prelude it being given to Luke (SGT of squad, James BFF, Jesse's Lover) as a token of admission to what happened with Jesse at the end of the scene. Also as a physical object James always carries and must still carry.
*Mask completely written out as of Feb 2013 See notes in Chap. 4, Story Archive post
He quickly shoves it back down, anxiously closing the pack. He does not acknowledge what he just found, but is somewhat confused. He debates just leaving the pack there, but knows he must carry it on. During this process, the geography has somewhat shifted and he is in the middle of a makeshift cleared path. It has been cleared of most underbrush and debris, but not very well. He follows the path for a few steps and comes to a clearing, all his previous anxieties take backseat. His relief is palpable. On the left side of the path is a make-shift hooch (his shelter). [Actually this can be any period appropriate shelter even a tent. The idea is to give the impression of a camp. However, we want to do this is fine. Here is one way it was done] One side is constructed from two rows of sandbags. A stick is driven into the ground behind the sandbags to support a dark poncho (jungle or chocolate chip camouflage) serving as a leaning roof. The middle of one of the poncho's lengths is supported by the stick. The length opposite the side with the sandbags/stick is weighed down by stones. The clearing's center is in the foreground. A controlled fire simmers. It is ringed by burnt beer cans of the Turkish beer Efes Pilsen [Period accurate, and possible to obtain in South Cal.] and other refuse suggesting boredom and a two week habitation. Next to the fire, Luke, 15-10 years younger, crouches to study a map while he casually sips Efes Pilsen. His body is loose and the gesture seems almost automatic. The position he is in should mirror James's recent memories of leaving him with the map in scene 1 [or something as long as blocking is same].
Old. Refers to the original scripts of chapter 1 Oil Refinery where the blocking, staging, and structure of the two scenes were like bookends on the project and mirrored each other. In the first scene both men had a passive aggressive fight while consulting the bridge diagram (now portrayed on the title page) for the next job.
James approaches Luke, his thoughts are a mixture of trepidation, relief, affection and doubt. In scene 1, Luke smiles (tight, doesn't reach his eyes) when James leaves him. Here, the sequence plays backwards. James heads towards Luke. When James is a few feet away. Luke looks up and gives him the same smile (only it reaches his eyes and is warmer/more mischievous.)]
This note was overlooked in the re-writes, but we actually did end up settling on something like this. It is probably the ONE Thing that crossed over to the final form:) James rewinding his greetings with Luke until his mind settles upon his ideal one.
Luke: How'd it go?
James: They never showed.
[Luke studies his beer and sighs as if trying to empty his weariness into the can. He contemplates the can tilting back and forth between his pointer and thumb. When he looks up next, it is with a forced brightness.]
Luke: Useless bastards. Not only late, but they put the “drop” in “supply drop”. I mean literally. Kick food from the C130s. 'fraid of landin' in hungry guerilla territory . Last time it was kamikaze canned goods.
James: Ha. (James laughs briefly. It is not entirely forced, but not entirely genuine. He does it more for the benefit of Luke's invitation to relieve tension between the two men).
Luke: (lazily taps the dirt beside him with his foot. The invitation is explicit). Might as well join me. (gestures toward cooling pits) have a drink, it’s on the house.
[James moves towards cooling pits dug approx. 8ft behind the fire. He passes to the left of the fire and keeps Luke in the peripheral. For a few brief moments, Luke appears to consider him quietly and somberly from behind the fire. James arrives at the rectangular cooling pits. They are covered by small tarps held down by stones and are equal size and equal distance from each other. Though it is possible to see there are at least a few more, his focus is consumed by one.]
James: Thanks for offering me my own beer.
Luke: Of course, (brightens) get me 'nother while you're at it.
[James lifts the tarp to reveal a few beers. He removes two]
James: “Please”? (Teasing, over his shoulder)
Luke: “Screw You”
[James returns to Luke's side and hands him the beer before turning toward the fire. In the peripherals, Luke appears to consider both his empty and full cans before tossing the empty into the fire's edge. There are two makeshift chairs and a flat surface between them where the map Luke was looking at rests]
Luke: Gonna need to detox before we head back to base.
James: yeah, well, it’s not like there’s much to do here .
Luke: 'sides drinking and burning ants [taps on the lid of his beer with two fingers absently. This is a performance of thinking as well as a nervous tic].
James: yeah . . . (suddenly very aware of Luke, .)
Luke: (stops abruptly and faces James. Leans forward a bit to get in his space) Listen, its kinda cozy up here. The two of us, away from camp. So wanna tell me what's eating you?
James: (backpedals with forced lightness) It sounds like you’re hitting on me.
Luke: (snort) Sorry, I like my ladies with less 'stache. The guys at base are gonna name you Señior, if you don’t shave that damn thing.
James: Señior Auger, got a good ring to it
Luke: I hear there’s a Zakho barber in Camp I.
James: Not sure I want to trust a kurd with shaving my neck.
Luke: We’re the one's saving their necks.
James: ha. good one.
Luke: wanna bring out the old standby while we wait?
James: Sure, why not?
In rough draft form, still like the lighter dialog than the heavy stuff. More natural. This was suppose to be the most earnest straightforward scene of James and Luke's paths to easing the tension between them after the bombing and finding space to talk about it. But the subject matter was so heavy we ended up making 3/4 of the scene carry lighter dialog. In this version James feels he more or less contributed to Jesse's death but could never find a way to confess to Luke (who intrinsically understood his anxieties the whole time). Luke was an innocent party and someone that existed just to develop James' character. The new version of the story has Luke take some responsibility for Jesse as well and show more vulnerability. For the relationship to be believable, both must be fully fleshed out characters.
Luke: (brings out a pack of cards. His second attempt to get information from Jame's is decidedly less direct. Tone is easy, conversational) You know, not many guys would volunteer to stay for a second tour. Have trouble leaving or somethin'?
James: (careful in how lightly it is said) Well, apparently as much as you do. You had my back. Now, I've got yours. Besides, you won’t get rid of me so easily.
Luke: [pauses mid deal] Good, cause your my wing man. But seriously, you’ve can leave, you know that? You don't need –
[James interrupts Luke by standing fast as if about to bolt. Cards from his pile become jostled with the movement. James immediately, thinks the best of it and looks embarrassed by his automatic reaction. He collects himself in seconds and obviously searches for an excuse for his actions. The atmosphere is heavy. After a few beats James realizes he must say something to break the silence.]
James: (Still focused ahead at the tent in the distance) Forgot to prepare the hooch for the night. Should do it while there's still light out.
We had the cards and playing cards in so many repetitive spaces in the project originally, right before the bombing (the stop motion representation of the bombing where our soldier/creatures were playing tiny cards, here, other memory spaces. We cut this iconic symbol of downtime because we got so tired of it. Now it is only briefly referenced in the text expand section and not visualized.
Luke: (James glances back at Luke. Luke's gaze is on the fire, carefully neutral) Soon, we're gonna have to talk about it. Get our stories straight . . .
James: (softly, overlapping with what Luke's saying) Not not, not anyway.
Luke: (continuing as if uninterrupted. Careful in his phrasing) I've got a report to make and things . . . to say . . . to the families. Jesse's . . .
James: (Interrupts) I, I can't tell you anything else. I don't quite remember. It's just
Luke: (Interrupts)“quite?” That still leaves something.
James: I'm sorry. I've been avoiding . . . but, I meant to thank you . . . for getting me out.
Luke: Like I would leave; even though, I couldn't find her by then. Christ, I loved her. So that's why, someday . . . thank me, by telling me the details. Even if you think I wouldn't want to know.
[a moment of silence. Jake fiddles with a burn scab on his palm. The moment signifies an inability to continue the present conversation.]
Good example of the direct things they would avoid saying like the plague, but useful to write out for directions and shaping the structure of the script in general.
James: (distant) Sure.
Luke: (Resumes dealing. Luke's tone is light, sudden and conversational). So, what's the first thing you gonna do back in Wisconsin? I know I'm takin' a damn long shower. (tries to goad Luke with a charming smile, if a bit lopsided)
James: (Sits down, picks up his Efes Pilsen) I'll drink to that.
Luke: and maybe cigarettes. I would like some cigarettes.
James: (absently picking up his hand). Are you going to Greenbay?
Luke: Yeah, gonna visit Jesse's family, which is why. . .
James: Oh. (pause) Should I come? Maybe by then I'll . . .?
Luke: (interrupts) Don’t see what good that would do. You just basically told me you need time. Look, you should visit me. We can go kayaking up in Canada, it’s nice in the Summer. Paddling through small towns where rural chicks serve ice cold beer to american dudes. It'll be like a vacation. After, you can work for my business, as a specialty subcontractor, if you want.
The above is a version of the only dialog recognizable from any early draft that made it to the project's final form:) The nature of collaboration, constraints of media, and changing taste over two years made the story evolve and shift so many times that I am amazed something carried over.
James: (Looks up, surprised, runs a finger over the edge of a card in thought) That's really . . . generous, but I'm trying to take it day by day.
Luke: (shrugs and puts some of his cards down) well, let me know. (smiles smugly) Hey, might as well start getting use to working for me now Señior and grab me 'nother.
James: Why don’t you do it?
Luke: You're closer.
[The tone is about to shift to more surreal/imagination. James sighs and stands up. He heads straight for the cooling pits. Repeating his actions from before, he lifts the tarp covering a cooling pit. He is focussed only on this pit. His hand reaches in to dig around for two beers amidst a pit full of small white petals (these are the same white petals that fall out of the map in scene 1. When he looks up, the perspective has shifted. There are rows of dug cooling pits, calling to mind open graves. They extend into the horizon. In a nearby human-sized cooling pit is Jesse. She is laying down surrounded by white petals and some beer. She appears at rest and is wearing the same dress that she wore on the bridge. She also, is wearing the gas mask that James took from her bone soldier copy (this one to scale). This is also the one that was briefly alluded to as being in his bag, at the start of the scene. He approaches her gently and kneels reaching into the grave to tenderly remove her mask. He places it back in the shoulder bag that he's been carrying since the beginning of the scene. James turns left to walk back toward Luke and the fire. This time it is the older version of Luke (not at all necessary). He returns to his seat and offers Luke one of the beers. Luke opens it and drinks white petals.]
Getting Jesse into the space and indicating to the reader that Jesse dies as character motivation/present distance/present weight (make it clear to reader-especially in our poetic form) was one of the hardest and longest discussions of the project and what changed the most. I liked many aspects of the above. Intuitively, the casual reaching to remove beer from the body feels good. The white petals were overkill. Even though the corporal presence of Jesse in the ground is definitely melodramatic, perhaps we should have gone for it to give the concrete suggestion that explains exactly what James and Luke have always dealt with. As long as the characters didn't acknowledge her and dwell on her and she only appeared in a few frames. I worry that the motivations for their past and present won't be clear. What is the real source of conflict? The challenge now becomes how to show the desert scene and just signify an absence without dwelling overly on that...It is difficult to make the unsaid, the absence, carry and inform the rest of the project/dynamics. This appearance of Jesse here can be compared with the spectrum of having her living image cut in and out of a filmed conversation between the two men to having her extremely present as a third character in the scene that is just never directly addressed. Both versions of this script will be written on later dates.
The reason Jesse's presence as indication of her fate is important is because: what anchors/obvious details do you give the reader to hold on to? ESPECIALLY in a work like this which is so hybrid and not only cuts between spaces of internal/external, but also spaces of time.
[The following conversation has the feel of thoughts spoken out loud. Tone is more surreal/poetic, even estranged. James is no longer really speaking to a memory, but Luke as his subconscious. Perhaps, Luke's voice has a slight reverb like he's underwater]
Luke: You get what you need?
James: I'm here again, aren't I?
[Jame's speaks the following monologue quietly to Luke's profile. Luke's eyes are closed and tips back a beer. He remains still as a trickle of white petals fall from the can like liquid during the speech. (same petals on map in scene 1).
James: (monologue)
The war is short, but the aftertaste keeps. It's this preservation that does you in. No regurgitation for the memories you cling to. Bile rising and receding in time: a type of breathing. You world is a cycle that you can't turn away from. You let go, but realize your unworthy and inhale. In the air regret and evasion interlace sweetly. You do not know how to run. That is, if you even wanted. And now, now there is something so acute and terrible on the horizon. It is your own swift night. The battle finds you.
ugh...the dialog here is rather extreme and angsty in tone, but I do like the general overall shift in tone after Jesse appears on the sidelines. I was hoping that the dream-like quality of dialog the men would utter here would immediately contrast the sparse/terse dialog in the present day that so typifies James' relationship with Luke.
The relief is clean. This is it.
[Luke turns his head slowly toward Jame's]
Luke [intimate and calm]: This is it. A surrender, look, it's almost dark. We should prepare for night. Either awake or asleep. I am the lookout. rest in this certainty.
James: Perpetually there, holding on, a ghost.
Luke: [laughs] Some things you just can’t prepare. Second thoughts?
[Luke hands James the can of beer he was just drinking from. James looks down at it. A white flower slowly opens on the tab.]
James: Let's do this. [considers] years have passed. I am ready, at last, ready.
Luke: [A small smile spreads over Luke] I've had to haunt you down.
James: Right on through the miles and miles of freakin' desert. Right into the oncoming dark.
Luke: No diversions in darkness, it is the peace of a solid unity uninterrupted by memory or refrain.
James: Listen, it’s quiet now, but somewhere the hilltop is being secured. Somewhere there is movement in the quiet.
Luke: We operate in the quiet: acting for our own purpose. No one is here to give hand-outs.
James: There is no loop, only a constant. A quiet certainty and an escape from reliving. I have done nothing if try to do right by you. Nothing, except that and live under the constant refrain of my sins.
Luke: Tell me.
James: When I still saw, it was with stillness. Moving, neither forward or back. Only still, still in an encompassing loop of guilt. Living on only to revisit the same moment. Stillness.
Luke: So, you always came back to me.
James: You were my atonement. A way to move forward. I had to take it, out from where I was. I was your tank, your tool. I would follow you until the loop unfolded in one straight line unyielding.
Luke: You were always my soldier. My brother, my friend.
James: I could leave you. I couldn't fall back into the loop. A destination required penance. But, I am not worth anything. Not worth the penance. I could never tell you because I never deserved to forget.
Luke: But at the end . . . I am here. I am ready. I would fight beside you -
James: I killed her.
[silence]
James: Her life for mine. Not licks of flame nor the the heavy burden of air, nor life mattered in the terror of dying. Her life. You came back for us, but couldn't find her. She was buried, pinned under a cross beam and debris. Battered and pinioned but still breathing when I took her mask. Her nails were sharp in her weak grip on my hand. Too weak but strong enough to hold me even now. Her eyes, gurgling shock, the sound of wetness over the raw panic. Her eyes. We don't leave men behind. Her eyes... and then I was turning . . . her eyes . . . and then I was running. I was running toward you. And you found only me. You found only me.
Luke: I loved her.
James: Yes.
James: Night again, it's almost time to go. If I can tell you these things, I can leave the loop, the stillness. I can move forward. Someday. I can tell you that, Oh, god. I'm so sorry. I can tell you that.
[Luke closes his eyes and exhales loudly. There is a small beat of stillness. Suddenly, Luke springs from the fire and jumps at James pining him.
Luke: [Fiercely] you Dumb Ass!
James: I'm not worth it. You're forgiveness, your loyalty.
Luke: that's why I want to beat the shit out of you.
[Luke punches Jame's in the gut]
Luke: Come on man! All this time, I've already known. I've already. . .
[James sits up. Luke turns his back]
Luke: You love to wallow in self-pity, but I figured you had been nearest, you saw. You were already a friend, but from then, you became irreplaceable. My last link. You've realized this all along. You've only had to say the words and you would be healed.
[Luke stands and kicks James in the shin]
Luke: So get the hell up. Night's over.
[Luke offers James his hand, his mischievous grin is back. James begins to rise. He takes Luke's hand and passes him the mask. Luke considers it carefully, almost tenderly. James watches him silently turn and walk back towards the cooling pits. And kneels by the one where Jesse was]
Book issue
1. spontaneous reverse combustion
[Luke makes some comment about the book as he passes by, based on how it is getting worked into these scenes. But it needs to be a token of forgiveness and peace in oneself somehow. The gesture of Luke helping James obtain the book again needs to speak “volumes”. Luke could tell James something about it over his shoulder has he walks. Then James could turn back to the fire and have the fire burn backwards to reveal the book]
OR
2.more tender intimate.
Luke could give James the Book right after the mask is exchanged. The exchange of these tokens could be highly symbolic tender, more intimate, and lots easier. This might be a better option depending on how the book is built up.
Originally James giving the mask to Luke was symbolic of his ability to let go and confess...Luke giving the book was a symbol of redemption and forgiveness. At this point however, the character/intention of the book also changed. It went from just being a bible that naturally belonged to James to being a scrap book of his mom/jesse that jesse dies while retrieving This evolution imbued the book with greater importance/status which gives the exchange better clout and context. Originally the book was going to "burn backwards" (mirroring earlier oil wells) from out the fire. While it would have been nice to more strongly indicate that the book is burnt up and lost....there were several issues...too demanding for effects, burning book in dry desert was dangerous, too densely packed with magical elements too close to the appearance of Jesse. Therefore, the effect would have been diluted.
[James begins following the tracks away from the makeshift camp and back into the open desert. There is a transition (complex overlay? beam coming out of the sand?) back to the bridge. James, back on the bridge, still carries the book.]
The draft below takes place in James' mind. Months after this draft I have commented on it in red below. It is the idealized type of interaction he wishes he could have with Luke. The atmosphere is a conflated space between past and present. Luke, like the landscape (hills of Southcall + Zakho Iraqui) is both a past/present version of himself as James has remembered or experienced him. This is why we have elected to film this scene in 3rd person. To show James imagining his own role in the fantasy of their interaction. Now that the characters have legitimately evolved from this early version, it will be interesting to see the comparison between the final script and this one. Several notes exist where I address Danny or keep formal records to help myself remember and process the material.
[It begins with the transition from water to sand after the bridge scene. We've talked about this a bit, but haven't settled on specifics. The following is what remains from my brainstorming. The general tone can be one of peace, yet vertigo. The transition feels better if it is more seamless, less harsh. The key is to come to a desert space that feels, barren, solitary, meditative. A mind-scape, almost empty, a little dazzling, a little melancholy. It is possible that (in accordance with the watery environment he has just come from) that the whole atmosphere may have a slight dragging/slow underwater “feel” to it
Some suggestions from old notes include: 1. awakening on side/horizon tilted sense of vertigo. Have perspective focus wobble and focus on righting itself. 2 Still need a good transition from water to sand. Might use fishbowl technique to film sand (like clouds of dye?) being poured slowly into water? 3. This could be blended right after the major bubbling in the video? 4. perhaps the sand could absorb the water and let it dry out?]
The transition referenced is where the tone shifts from chapter 3 Bridge chapter where James suddenly hallucinates Jesse in the real/mundane world and he envisions dropping from the space of the real "the bridge" to crossing over to memory space through water. I usually write easiest imagining visuals or symbols. The majority of the time my initial vision is not how it turns out. Especially after Danny has a pass and we go back and forth over different drafts, but it is a helpful place to start here. The "underwater" tone I described early on was largely ruled out due to the decision of limiting video effects/compositing. This decision was partially time and partially concept. It was decided that the "surrealism would be in tone/approximation of the real, filmed straight but a little-off" rather than made in post production with video effects. I definitely didn't have to imagine transitions, but having a temporary place holder for an action or transition helps me visualize a complete scene and live in it without blindspots.
[At first, James awakens to the sensations of his body. His consciousness gradually comes to the forefront and quickly accepts his location as natural. He doesn't question his right to be there and becomes absorbed in the place. He is walking through a desert like landscape that is a conflation between N. Iraqi and Southern California (both kinda close actually in some of the northern hill regions). There is a sense of emptiness. Some low-lying scrub surrounds him. Apart from the general wasteland, the periphery and horizon occasional oil fires burn as he walks on. They are spaced in a way to render the landscape somewhat magical-real. Perhaps, the fires have the illusion of burning backwards. Or parallel in some way the aesthetic of the fire that the book emerges from at the end.]
[some pics of region, though typically more arid? brown?
http://www.flickriver.com/photos/defensorfortis/sets/72157608768880443/.
Danny has some earlier material from a short with these spurts of fire burning backwards which were so beautiful. The terrible and yet beautiful photography of the actual kuwait oil fires is also astounding. This was cut for the same reason of minimizing effects that I mentioned above. I was hoping it would lend some associative or iconic imagery to set the scene without us having to spell it out.
[Rough initial thought brainstorm before encountering Luke]
T: Initial thoughts for 4-10 seconds are jumbled/passive some musings on his physical awareness.
this was once a POV chapter with James responding in text on the internal world to his dialog with Luke. I still like that. I hope it gets carried over somewhere else in the novel, right now all POV chapters that have dialog have either been cut or fragmented. T are place holders for potential thoughts
[once he is fully present in the place, his thoughts become the reality of his routine at camp 1 in Zakho.
T: Sudden jump to the smell of the air. It getting into the fabric of his clothes, how he can’t differentiate between sweat and the smell of the place. It smells metallic, then like skin burning [flashback in thoughts] The smell seems to shift to one of chicken/burning flesh. Increased coughing.
T: Thinks to how he found a canister and thought it was a mine, but it turned out to be a russian gas mask. Thinks about masks, thinks about how “the mask” is one of the things he must carry. Thinks about trying to finally give it up.
yup. From the time when we had James (protagonist) inadvertently kill Jesse (unrequited love/mom figure/squad mate) in the bombing by steeling her mask from her body instead of helping her escape. Several reasons why this doesn't work (mostly because his motives-besides panic-were unclear). Also, too melodramatic and steampunk cheesy. Though I did a lot of research on the importance and prevalence of how time in service really revolved around chemical weapon paranoia and the importance of MOPP suits. Realistic and historically accurate. Though in the 9seconds you have to put on equipment, you probably don't have time to spend wallowing in moral dilemma over stealing equipment from a dying teammate.
T: Realizes that he doesn't know how long he's been walking. His sense of time is shot. Begins to be more anxious about sighting DZ [drop zone] camp.
T: some mundane thoughts about the tasks he was assigned at hand. You know that he is meeting someone at a DZ to pick up supply drops and building supplies.
T:His mind wanders to free time, tetris scores with a gameboy sent from home.
[A thought prompts james to stop and get some water. He squats and sets his pack down to rummage through. He begins to pull out a bit of cloth (it is an edge of the mask that will be seen later).
mask shows up here to structurally prelude it being given to Luke (SGT of squad, James BFF, Jesse's Lover) as a token of admission to what happened with Jesse at the end of the scene. Also as a physical object James always carries and must still carry.
*Mask completely written out as of Feb 2013 See notes in Chap. 4, Story Archive post
He quickly shoves it back down, anxiously closing the pack. He does not acknowledge what he just found, but is somewhat confused. He debates just leaving the pack there, but knows he must carry it on. During this process, the geography has somewhat shifted and he is in the middle of a makeshift cleared path. It has been cleared of most underbrush and debris, but not very well. He follows the path for a few steps and comes to a clearing, all his previous anxieties take backseat. His relief is palpable. On the left side of the path is a make-shift hooch (his shelter). [Actually this can be any period appropriate shelter even a tent. The idea is to give the impression of a camp. However, we want to do this is fine. Here is one way it was done] One side is constructed from two rows of sandbags. A stick is driven into the ground behind the sandbags to support a dark poncho (jungle or chocolate chip camouflage) serving as a leaning roof. The middle of one of the poncho's lengths is supported by the stick. The length opposite the side with the sandbags/stick is weighed down by stones. The clearing's center is in the foreground. A controlled fire simmers. It is ringed by burnt beer cans of the Turkish beer Efes Pilsen [Period accurate, and possible to obtain in South Cal.] and other refuse suggesting boredom and a two week habitation. Next to the fire, Luke, 15-10 years younger, crouches to study a map while he casually sips Efes Pilsen. His body is loose and the gesture seems almost automatic. The position he is in should mirror James's recent memories of leaving him with the map in scene 1 [or something as long as blocking is same].
Old. Refers to the original scripts of chapter 1 Oil Refinery where the blocking, staging, and structure of the two scenes were like bookends on the project and mirrored each other. In the first scene both men had a passive aggressive fight while consulting the bridge diagram (now portrayed on the title page) for the next job.
James approaches Luke, his thoughts are a mixture of trepidation, relief, affection and doubt. In scene 1, Luke smiles (tight, doesn't reach his eyes) when James leaves him. Here, the sequence plays backwards. James heads towards Luke. When James is a few feet away. Luke looks up and gives him the same smile (only it reaches his eyes and is warmer/more mischievous.)]
This note was overlooked in the re-writes, but we actually did end up settling on something like this. It is probably the ONE Thing that crossed over to the final form:) James rewinding his greetings with Luke until his mind settles upon his ideal one.
Luke: How'd it go?
James: They never showed.
[Luke studies his beer and sighs as if trying to empty his weariness into the can. He contemplates the can tilting back and forth between his pointer and thumb. When he looks up next, it is with a forced brightness.]
Luke: Useless bastards. Not only late, but they put the “drop” in “supply drop”. I mean literally. Kick food from the C130s. 'fraid of landin' in hungry guerilla territory . Last time it was kamikaze canned goods.
James: Ha. (James laughs briefly. It is not entirely forced, but not entirely genuine. He does it more for the benefit of Luke's invitation to relieve tension between the two men).
Luke: (lazily taps the dirt beside him with his foot. The invitation is explicit). Might as well join me. (gestures toward cooling pits) have a drink, it’s on the house.
[James moves towards cooling pits dug approx. 8ft behind the fire. He passes to the left of the fire and keeps Luke in the peripheral. For a few brief moments, Luke appears to consider him quietly and somberly from behind the fire. James arrives at the rectangular cooling pits. They are covered by small tarps held down by stones and are equal size and equal distance from each other. Though it is possible to see there are at least a few more, his focus is consumed by one.]
James: Thanks for offering me my own beer.
Luke: Of course, (brightens) get me 'nother while you're at it.
[James lifts the tarp to reveal a few beers. He removes two]
James: “Please”? (Teasing, over his shoulder)
Luke: “Screw You”
[James returns to Luke's side and hands him the beer before turning toward the fire. In the peripherals, Luke appears to consider both his empty and full cans before tossing the empty into the fire's edge. There are two makeshift chairs and a flat surface between them where the map Luke was looking at rests]
Luke: Gonna need to detox before we head back to base.
James: yeah, well, it’s not like there’s much to do here .
Luke: 'sides drinking and burning ants [taps on the lid of his beer with two fingers absently. This is a performance of thinking as well as a nervous tic].
James: yeah . . . (suddenly very aware of Luke, .)
Luke: (stops abruptly and faces James. Leans forward a bit to get in his space) Listen, its kinda cozy up here. The two of us, away from camp. So wanna tell me what's eating you?
James: (backpedals with forced lightness) It sounds like you’re hitting on me.
Luke: (snort) Sorry, I like my ladies with less 'stache. The guys at base are gonna name you Señior, if you don’t shave that damn thing.
James: Señior Auger, got a good ring to it
Luke: I hear there’s a Zakho barber in Camp I.
James: Not sure I want to trust a kurd with shaving my neck.
Luke: We’re the one's saving their necks.
James: ha. good one.
Luke: wanna bring out the old standby while we wait?
James: Sure, why not?
In rough draft form, still like the lighter dialog than the heavy stuff. More natural. This was suppose to be the most earnest straightforward scene of James and Luke's paths to easing the tension between them after the bombing and finding space to talk about it. But the subject matter was so heavy we ended up making 3/4 of the scene carry lighter dialog. In this version James feels he more or less contributed to Jesse's death but could never find a way to confess to Luke (who intrinsically understood his anxieties the whole time). Luke was an innocent party and someone that existed just to develop James' character. The new version of the story has Luke take some responsibility for Jesse as well and show more vulnerability. For the relationship to be believable, both must be fully fleshed out characters.
Luke: (brings out a pack of cards. His second attempt to get information from Jame's is decidedly less direct. Tone is easy, conversational) You know, not many guys would volunteer to stay for a second tour. Have trouble leaving or somethin'?
James: (careful in how lightly it is said) Well, apparently as much as you do. You had my back. Now, I've got yours. Besides, you won’t get rid of me so easily.
Luke: [pauses mid deal] Good, cause your my wing man. But seriously, you’ve can leave, you know that? You don't need –
[James interrupts Luke by standing fast as if about to bolt. Cards from his pile become jostled with the movement. James immediately, thinks the best of it and looks embarrassed by his automatic reaction. He collects himself in seconds and obviously searches for an excuse for his actions. The atmosphere is heavy. After a few beats James realizes he must say something to break the silence.]
James: (Still focused ahead at the tent in the distance) Forgot to prepare the hooch for the night. Should do it while there's still light out.
We had the cards and playing cards in so many repetitive spaces in the project originally, right before the bombing (the stop motion representation of the bombing where our soldier/creatures were playing tiny cards, here, other memory spaces. We cut this iconic symbol of downtime because we got so tired of it. Now it is only briefly referenced in the text expand section and not visualized.
Luke: (James glances back at Luke. Luke's gaze is on the fire, carefully neutral) Soon, we're gonna have to talk about it. Get our stories straight . . .
James: (softly, overlapping with what Luke's saying) Not not, not anyway.
Luke: (continuing as if uninterrupted. Careful in his phrasing) I've got a report to make and things . . . to say . . . to the families. Jesse's . . .
James: (Interrupts) I, I can't tell you anything else. I don't quite remember. It's just
Luke: (Interrupts)“quite?” That still leaves something.
James: I'm sorry. I've been avoiding . . . but, I meant to thank you . . . for getting me out.
Luke: Like I would leave; even though, I couldn't find her by then. Christ, I loved her. So that's why, someday . . . thank me, by telling me the details. Even if you think I wouldn't want to know.
[a moment of silence. Jake fiddles with a burn scab on his palm. The moment signifies an inability to continue the present conversation.]
Good example of the direct things they would avoid saying like the plague, but useful to write out for directions and shaping the structure of the script in general.
James: (distant) Sure.
Luke: (Resumes dealing. Luke's tone is light, sudden and conversational). So, what's the first thing you gonna do back in Wisconsin? I know I'm takin' a damn long shower. (tries to goad Luke with a charming smile, if a bit lopsided)
James: (Sits down, picks up his Efes Pilsen) I'll drink to that.
Luke: and maybe cigarettes. I would like some cigarettes.
James: (absently picking up his hand). Are you going to Greenbay?
Luke: Yeah, gonna visit Jesse's family, which is why. . .
James: Oh. (pause) Should I come? Maybe by then I'll . . .?
Luke: (interrupts) Don’t see what good that would do. You just basically told me you need time. Look, you should visit me. We can go kayaking up in Canada, it’s nice in the Summer. Paddling through small towns where rural chicks serve ice cold beer to american dudes. It'll be like a vacation. After, you can work for my business, as a specialty subcontractor, if you want.
The above is a version of the only dialog recognizable from any early draft that made it to the project's final form:) The nature of collaboration, constraints of media, and changing taste over two years made the story evolve and shift so many times that I am amazed something carried over.
James: (Looks up, surprised, runs a finger over the edge of a card in thought) That's really . . . generous, but I'm trying to take it day by day.
Luke: (shrugs and puts some of his cards down) well, let me know. (smiles smugly) Hey, might as well start getting use to working for me now Señior and grab me 'nother.
James: Why don’t you do it?
Luke: You're closer.
[The tone is about to shift to more surreal/imagination. James sighs and stands up. He heads straight for the cooling pits. Repeating his actions from before, he lifts the tarp covering a cooling pit. He is focussed only on this pit. His hand reaches in to dig around for two beers amidst a pit full of small white petals (these are the same white petals that fall out of the map in scene 1. When he looks up, the perspective has shifted. There are rows of dug cooling pits, calling to mind open graves. They extend into the horizon. In a nearby human-sized cooling pit is Jesse. She is laying down surrounded by white petals and some beer. She appears at rest and is wearing the same dress that she wore on the bridge. She also, is wearing the gas mask that James took from her bone soldier copy (this one to scale). This is also the one that was briefly alluded to as being in his bag, at the start of the scene. He approaches her gently and kneels reaching into the grave to tenderly remove her mask. He places it back in the shoulder bag that he's been carrying since the beginning of the scene. James turns left to walk back toward Luke and the fire. This time it is the older version of Luke (not at all necessary). He returns to his seat and offers Luke one of the beers. Luke opens it and drinks white petals.]
Getting Jesse into the space and indicating to the reader that Jesse dies as character motivation/present distance/present weight (make it clear to reader-especially in our poetic form) was one of the hardest and longest discussions of the project and what changed the most. I liked many aspects of the above. Intuitively, the casual reaching to remove beer from the body feels good. The white petals were overkill. Even though the corporal presence of Jesse in the ground is definitely melodramatic, perhaps we should have gone for it to give the concrete suggestion that explains exactly what James and Luke have always dealt with. As long as the characters didn't acknowledge her and dwell on her and she only appeared in a few frames. I worry that the motivations for their past and present won't be clear. What is the real source of conflict? The challenge now becomes how to show the desert scene and just signify an absence without dwelling overly on that...It is difficult to make the unsaid, the absence, carry and inform the rest of the project/dynamics. This appearance of Jesse here can be compared with the spectrum of having her living image cut in and out of a filmed conversation between the two men to having her extremely present as a third character in the scene that is just never directly addressed. Both versions of this script will be written on later dates.
The reason Jesse's presence as indication of her fate is important is because: what anchors/obvious details do you give the reader to hold on to? ESPECIALLY in a work like this which is so hybrid and not only cuts between spaces of internal/external, but also spaces of time.
[The following conversation has the feel of thoughts spoken out loud. Tone is more surreal/poetic, even estranged. James is no longer really speaking to a memory, but Luke as his subconscious. Perhaps, Luke's voice has a slight reverb like he's underwater]
Luke: You get what you need?
James: I'm here again, aren't I?
[Jame's speaks the following monologue quietly to Luke's profile. Luke's eyes are closed and tips back a beer. He remains still as a trickle of white petals fall from the can like liquid during the speech. (same petals on map in scene 1).
James: (monologue)
The war is short, but the aftertaste keeps. It's this preservation that does you in. No regurgitation for the memories you cling to. Bile rising and receding in time: a type of breathing. You world is a cycle that you can't turn away from. You let go, but realize your unworthy and inhale. In the air regret and evasion interlace sweetly. You do not know how to run. That is, if you even wanted. And now, now there is something so acute and terrible on the horizon. It is your own swift night. The battle finds you.
ugh...the dialog here is rather extreme and angsty in tone, but I do like the general overall shift in tone after Jesse appears on the sidelines. I was hoping that the dream-like quality of dialog the men would utter here would immediately contrast the sparse/terse dialog in the present day that so typifies James' relationship with Luke.
The relief is clean. This is it.
[Luke turns his head slowly toward Jame's]
Luke [intimate and calm]: This is it. A surrender, look, it's almost dark. We should prepare for night. Either awake or asleep. I am the lookout. rest in this certainty.
James: Perpetually there, holding on, a ghost.
Luke: [laughs] Some things you just can’t prepare. Second thoughts?
[Luke hands James the can of beer he was just drinking from. James looks down at it. A white flower slowly opens on the tab.]
James: Let's do this. [considers] years have passed. I am ready, at last, ready.
Luke: [A small smile spreads over Luke] I've had to haunt you down.
James: Right on through the miles and miles of freakin' desert. Right into the oncoming dark.
Luke: No diversions in darkness, it is the peace of a solid unity uninterrupted by memory or refrain.
James: Listen, it’s quiet now, but somewhere the hilltop is being secured. Somewhere there is movement in the quiet.
Luke: We operate in the quiet: acting for our own purpose. No one is here to give hand-outs.
James: There is no loop, only a constant. A quiet certainty and an escape from reliving. I have done nothing if try to do right by you. Nothing, except that and live under the constant refrain of my sins.
Luke: Tell me.
James: When I still saw, it was with stillness. Moving, neither forward or back. Only still, still in an encompassing loop of guilt. Living on only to revisit the same moment. Stillness.
Luke: So, you always came back to me.
James: You were my atonement. A way to move forward. I had to take it, out from where I was. I was your tank, your tool. I would follow you until the loop unfolded in one straight line unyielding.
Luke: You were always my soldier. My brother, my friend.
James: I could leave you. I couldn't fall back into the loop. A destination required penance. But, I am not worth anything. Not worth the penance. I could never tell you because I never deserved to forget.
Luke: But at the end . . . I am here. I am ready. I would fight beside you -
James: I killed her.
[silence]
James: Her life for mine. Not licks of flame nor the the heavy burden of air, nor life mattered in the terror of dying. Her life. You came back for us, but couldn't find her. She was buried, pinned under a cross beam and debris. Battered and pinioned but still breathing when I took her mask. Her nails were sharp in her weak grip on my hand. Too weak but strong enough to hold me even now. Her eyes, gurgling shock, the sound of wetness over the raw panic. Her eyes. We don't leave men behind. Her eyes... and then I was turning . . . her eyes . . . and then I was running. I was running toward you. And you found only me. You found only me.
Luke: I loved her.
James: Yes.
James: Night again, it's almost time to go. If I can tell you these things, I can leave the loop, the stillness. I can move forward. Someday. I can tell you that, Oh, god. I'm so sorry. I can tell you that.
[Luke closes his eyes and exhales loudly. There is a small beat of stillness. Suddenly, Luke springs from the fire and jumps at James pining him.
Luke: [Fiercely] you Dumb Ass!
James: I'm not worth it. You're forgiveness, your loyalty.
Luke: that's why I want to beat the shit out of you.
[Luke punches Jame's in the gut]
Luke: Come on man! All this time, I've already known. I've already. . .
[James sits up. Luke turns his back]
Luke: You love to wallow in self-pity, but I figured you had been nearest, you saw. You were already a friend, but from then, you became irreplaceable. My last link. You've realized this all along. You've only had to say the words and you would be healed.
[Luke stands and kicks James in the shin]
Luke: So get the hell up. Night's over.
[Luke offers James his hand, his mischievous grin is back. James begins to rise. He takes Luke's hand and passes him the mask. Luke considers it carefully, almost tenderly. James watches him silently turn and walk back towards the cooling pits. And kneels by the one where Jesse was]
Book issue
1. spontaneous reverse combustion
[Luke makes some comment about the book as he passes by, based on how it is getting worked into these scenes. But it needs to be a token of forgiveness and peace in oneself somehow. The gesture of Luke helping James obtain the book again needs to speak “volumes”. Luke could tell James something about it over his shoulder has he walks. Then James could turn back to the fire and have the fire burn backwards to reveal the book]
OR
2.more tender intimate.
Luke could give James the Book right after the mask is exchanged. The exchange of these tokens could be highly symbolic tender, more intimate, and lots easier. This might be a better option depending on how the book is built up.
Originally James giving the mask to Luke was symbolic of his ability to let go and confess...Luke giving the book was a symbol of redemption and forgiveness. At this point however, the character/intention of the book also changed. It went from just being a bible that naturally belonged to James to being a scrap book of his mom/jesse that jesse dies while retrieving This evolution imbued the book with greater importance/status which gives the exchange better clout and context. Originally the book was going to "burn backwards" (mirroring earlier oil wells) from out the fire. While it would have been nice to more strongly indicate that the book is burnt up and lost....there were several issues...too demanding for effects, burning book in dry desert was dangerous, too densely packed with magical elements too close to the appearance of Jesse. Therefore, the effect would have been diluted.
[James begins following the tracks away from the makeshift camp and back into the open desert. There is a transition (complex overlay? beam coming out of the sand?) back to the bridge. James, back on the bridge, still carries the book.]
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